A More Appropriate Faith

17 Feb

I do apologize for the hiatus since my last biopsy. The results came back confirming the initial diagnosis of limb-girldle muscular dystrophy. We left the appointment with little new information other than it is okay for me to exercise and that they will see me on a yearly basis to monitor my progression and suggest helps to better my quality of life as I get weaker.

To be honest, I felt a little sheepish having endured not one, but two biopsies only to learn that I already had as much information as I was going to get before the surgeries even took place. I guess the only consolation for me was knowing I now have a doctor who will see me as needed in the coming years.

So what’s the plan? Not really sure. And it seems like the doctors aren’t really sure either. The neurologist told me the disease progresses differently in everyone, even in siblings, so there is no real definite timeframe or progression timetable to follow so to speak. It seems there is not much to offer in terms of preventative measures against the decline of the muscles, either. Most of what could be offered to me are things meant to help with coping, which the neurologist said I did not need at this point. Physical therapy and assistive devices may be needed in the future, but at this point he simply instructed me to walk, exercise, and swim as much as my body will allow.

So what’s the plan for my blog? I’ve spent the last few weeks wrestling with the direction I want to take this blog and the ministry God has given me through this illness. I realize many people write about their trials. Most write about their trial after God has brought them out of their difficulties. However, there aren’t many who write in the midst of the trial. 

Cary Schmidt wrote a book entitled Off-Script which is an excellent resource that I would recommend to anyone dealing with difficult circumstances. He wrote this book in the midst of a trial with no clue whether or not the Lord would give him healing.

For me, I am pretty certain healing won’t come. I know that is an “in your face” bold statement to make, especially knowing the powerful God we serve. Don’t misunderstand me, I know God can heal me. And if He chose to do that, all glory would belong to Him for doing so. But, I also know that sometimes He chooses for His glory to be displayed in a broken vessel who still trusts His hand even in the midst of a permanent breaking.

So please understand I still have faith. I would like to have faith that He will heal me. But living like that will only leave me restless, discontent, possibly going from doctor to doctor spending all I had in the pursuit of answers, and potentially wrestling against the great and wonderful God who sees something better in giving me an illness instead of health and strength. Instead I choose to have what I would consider to be the more appropriate faith–the faith that says to God and to those around me that I still trust Him–even when I don’t understand, even when I don’t like it, even when I know there’s no way out on this side of Heaven. And I choose to rest and allow God to use this weakness to show His strength. I don’t know how He is going to do that, but I give Him all that I have to use as He deems fit for His glory.

So like Cary Schmidt, I choose to write and teach others about what it means to live and honor the Lord even in the midst of the most difficult trial I have yet to face all the while knowing there isn’t an end in sight. If God would grant me the privilege to be a help to someone else facing a trial that won’t end in this life, I would count it the highest honor.

5 Responses to “A More Appropriate Faith”

  1. Stephen Underwood February 17, 2014 at 2:46 pm #

    Kelli,

    Ashlee and I are praying for you daily. Seeing God use this in your life has displayed His glory! Thank you for your service to missionaries, and to our Saviour! Your testimony is one that strengthens others for the cause of Christ.

  2. gretmasters February 17, 2014 at 3:37 pm #

    I always find myself looking for the reason for something and in the midst or even looking back at trials trying to see gods purpose. But complete trust is being able to rest in Him even when we know we may never get to see something change or come to see His purpose. Thank you for this reminder of what complete trust really is. Praying for you and I love you friend!

  3. Austin February 17, 2014 at 4:34 pm #

    We love you and believe in you. I appreciate your heart for the Lord Jesus. God bless you

  4. Elizabeth February 18, 2014 at 10:01 am #

    I had started to think that maybe you had quit your blog, seeing that you had not a new blog entry in a really long time. Glad to see you’re back to it!

  5. Val February 19, 2014 at 2:22 pm #

    Well… I am so glad you are back to write… I am always bless with your writtings!! Love you!!

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