What Lies Beneath

20 Sep

So, in my (prideful) effort to make these posts “just right” I failed to get them posted before my church’s missions conference last week. And then things got in the way and yadda yadda yadda. . . suffice it to say, lesson learned, and sorry for the unannounced hiatus. =)

I suppose the biggest monster I have had to deal with has been the very root of every other sinful attitude I have struggled with.

Doubt.

And I don’t mean doubt as in I wonder if this is the right checkout lane to get me out of the store more quickly.

I mean gross, ugly, horrendous doubt.

Please take this part with a grain of salt. I realize I will come across as a bit melodramatic, but these were the real struggles of my mind. And I did warn you it would be ugly. =)

When the diagnosis came, it really was a relief to hear that it wasn’t ALS or something else that would kill me in just a few years. But I did have to deal with the fact this illness given enough time (and provided I didn’t get hit by a bus or something) could progress through my chest enough to require a ventilator for breathing. I did have to deal with the fact that many people who have this disease (at least from what I have read and have been told) are not necessarily killed by the disease itself, but from complications related to the illness–respiratory distress, heart failure, etc.

No one likes to face their own mortality. We as Christians talk about “going home,” “seeing Jesus,” or whatever glossed over term you place there. But the reality is that no matter how sure we are about our relationship with Him, we have this innate desire for self-preservation.

That being said, when confronted with my own mortality (though, yes I know I am decades away from seeing the big complications, and yes I know I am not guaranteed tomorrow), but when confronted with my own mortality and the thought of lying in a bed not able to move my arms or legs well, hooked up to a respirator, and so on, my first reaction was doubt.

Questions like:

Is God really good? Does He have my best interest at heart? Why would He even begin to think that this is a good thing for me?

Then those questions gave way to even more horrendous questions.

What if all this isn’t really true? What if the Bible isn’t true? What if this life is all there really is? What if this is all just a joke?

Then those questions led to the ultimate question: If I couldn’t even think these things, then how can I really be saved?

I struggled inwardly with these questions for weeks, too prideful to even tell my husband. What I left out while telling you this part, though, was that I had stopped reading my Bible. I had stopped spending time in prayer. I had given into the devices of the enemy.

I learned how very important 2 Corinthians 10:5 is. Much more so than I had ever before believed it to be.

2 Cor 10:5; “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”

Those questions rising up were things that exalted themselves against the knowlege of Christ. I knew the right answers. I just didn’t take those things that were anti-Christ into captivity. And the result was doubt. Ugly, sinful, horrendous doubt. Doubt that I am really and truly even ashamed to admit.

But I admit it to you because I want you to see how dark things can get in your mind if you don’t heed the warning of 2 Cor. 10:5, if you don’t take your sinful thoughts into captivity and refuse to think on them. They can literally render you useless and doubting the very truth you have grown to love and live by.

There is more to come. More struggles for us to deal with. But I want to leave you today with an encouragement to ask the Lord to show you the things in your heart that are exalting themselves against the knowledge of Christ. Then take those thoughts captive and refuse to give them any more of your time. They can take you down a very dark road if you let them.

 

 

2 Responses to “What Lies Beneath”

  1. Elizabeth November 8, 2013 at 10:17 am #

    I have felt that way many times as well. I think “if I’m really saved, then I shouldn’t have thoughts like these” and so on and so on. Thanks for the post!

  2. Kelly (Yager) Hawkins November 14, 2013 at 2:04 pm #

    I’ve really appreciated your blog! It is a real encouragement. Your honesty if refreshing and I can relate in so many ways to my own struggles in different areas. Whether you are being tested in a big way or small way so many of our human struggles go back to the same issues! Praying for you and your family!

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